This was your experience Googley and experience speaks so much louder than our logic. These experiences left an imprint on you. It seems that you are distressed because you cannot change this immediately. Nothing changes immediately but things do change gradually. You are aware of your "programming" and this is all that can be expected right now. Just continue to be aware. Remember what is healthy and what is programmed in you. Try to not act on your programming. This is when you remind yourself of what is healthy. You can gradually change this. Gradual is the key word.