AShadow - wow. You do have a heart of gold. It may not be easy to be the mother you want to be to your son at times.... because of his father. But I am very certain you are indeed going to make the best mom ever.

I have not shared this on PC yet.. but when I was being taken advantage of by an adult when I was 16 (he was 24) - I got pregnant by him. I lost the baby after 3 months and he said it was my fault that I "killed" "his" child. I now know better. That man became my ex husband and the damage he did to me while we were "together" was beyond cruel in many ways.

There were many times I was so glad my child died before being born. But one day I had a dream and it was beyond a dream - it was so real. And I saw a boy standing in the corner of a bright white room wearing a white robe. He had his hands behind his back and just said "I love you, Mommy."

I cry even now posting this because in that momment, I fell in love with the child I never had. He looked a whole lot like his genetic father. But still, it was a pure love and he had done nothing wrong against me. In my case, the child was indeed far better off on the other side because had he been born, he would have been turned and raised by my ex who told me how he would raise a son to be a mass murder.

There will be times when you will see your abuser in your child and that hate for the abuser will happen. But knowing right now what is going on - and who it is you are actually angry with - that will allow you the strength to see past the genetics your child had forced upon his soul. It will allow you to see the innocent YOU in the eyes and face of your boy.