((((googley))))

I hear you. And yes I can relate. I feel so alone and my parents do not love me. If they did they would not continue to hurt me and act as if nothing is wrong. Still denying to this day that anything happened. And I ask why would my step-mom ask to be forgiven for the things that happened when we were with her if nothing happened. Someone is not facing the truth and it is not her.

Googley we love you. You are not alone even though it feels alone. I do understand and if it was not for my friend irl and for PC I would be totallly alone. I know it is hard and it hurts. You have a right to your feelings and I validate how you are feeling.

Why is it that parents do not tell us the truth? That they tell us they love us and then in the same breath they hurt us. I know for me they killed the person I might have been and now I am trying to figure out just who I really am. So many within all terrified and me terified right along with them.

If they loved me, why is it the past is now colliding with the present and nothing is stopping. The knowing where we belong comes with years of being stuck there and when it still follows you it is hard to move forward. But if you and I will keep reaching for safety it will eventually come. I cannot say that I can feel it for many times when I am in a safe place I am still looking around waiting for the lurking danger.

You know googley, when you grow up in an abusive home where love was never given or shown in the right way, and it is all we know, even when we are away and we are trying to start again, we only know what we know. Even though those were our parents and they did not love us they are the only parents we have and somehow we keep hoping that they will change or maybe we were wrong.

But we were not wrong. And we were not the bad ones. We were in a situation that we had no control over and we had no choices. Not any choices that we felt we could make. I know there were many times I wanted to run away but I knew if I got caught and I always got caught, it would be even worse (if that was possible) but it still crossed my mind. So I just did nothing but tried to be good. And even perfection was not good enough.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts but just try to remember you are not alone anymore. We are listening and reaching out to you. We do care and we are here for you anytime. Please keep posting and getting out what you are feeling. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps