Exotic your post made me think of one of my underlying fears with regard to therapy and redefining my person (often restrictive) boundaries. The have been times over the past year when I've pushed what I thought was a clear boundary only to have it totally dissolve. When this has happened and I realized I was totally free worry would often creep in. I'd often think...with this barrier removed I'm now considering doing things that could really destroy my marriage. IDK it seems like in therapy we are often asked to push through out discomfort, sometimes disregard the inner voices that you formally thought kept you clear of danger, and take leaps. I am so grateful that I seem to have a T with good boundaries. Who encourages me to leap...but to be mindful at the same time. One of my biggest fears is that one day I will do something totally destructive and then look back and see that...my T had played me for a fool, used her knowledge of me and human behavior to manipulate me. I think this is why I often get a queazy stomach when I think about T using the transference thing.

Exotic...I'm sorry your old T abused his skills and I'm sure it does not feel good when you realize that he played you. BUT, I think in the end it will be helpful for you to see clearly that what HE did was wrong. That it was damaging to you. That YES, YOU WERE ABUSED by him and his manipulations. And hopefully you can get to a place where you can forgive yourself. I found a good metaphor that highlights how important it is for us to forgive ourselves. I'll have to type it out and post it.