Yes, I stayed. I didn't really recognize that it was abusive or wrong. It bore some similarity to my childhood, and so it felt familiar, almost "right", like the way things are supposed to be. I think if I had had a different childhood, the adult relationship wouldn't have felt so "acceptable."

I was also scared of the consequences and making him angry. I also lost all confidence and just became so cowed. Like others, I thought everything was my fault. I kept thinking if I did everything "right", he would treat me differently. And I kept scrambling to do what I thought he wanted, but he always seemed to change that. I could never get it right. So whenever he treated me badly, I thought I had done something wrong and if I could only change that.... It was a horrible cycle. Also, with two kids and having fallen off of my career track, I was scared I couldn't support my kids on my own or find a decent job, etc. Plus, I didn't want to be a "bad" mom by breaking up the family. There were so many reasons I stayed, many of them unspoken or even unthought.

I began working with my current therapist 3 years ago, and he tried to tell me I was in an abusive relationship. I would not accept this. Don't use that word ("abuse"), I told him. But he kept using it. I kept changing the topic. "I don't want to talk about this," I said. "Stop minimizing this," he said. One day he said there was a book he wanted me to read. It was the same one mentioned by Sharon123, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. I got this book and read it in a week. There was my life, there was my relationship, and yes, it was abusive. Somehow reading this book helped me accept this better than I had been able to from my therapist. I came back to therapy the following week, and that was all we talked about. I remember on one page of this book it listed reasons you might want to stay in the relationship and work to make it better, signs that it was not totally hopeless. There was like 10 things, and I couldn't answer "yes" to any of them, and that helped me realize how far gone my relationship was. It made me feel kind of embarrassed I had let the relationship go on so long until it was this bad. I guess I just needed to be hit over the head with this book. It was really a breakthrough in therapy for me. We had a lot of further work to do to get me to the point where I could end the marriage, but I am divorced now, and much happier and mentally healthier than I was a few years ago.

In the sense, that I will never allow myself to be in a relationship like that again, yes, it does still affect me. Coming to the realization I did and leaving the relationship was a very powerful life change for me, and I expect this change to affect me forever. Getting out was a major life accomplishment for me, and it helps me think sometimes (without undue grandiosity, I hope), "if I could do that, I can do anything."

Wishing you well, with your journey, Laura. Facing the problem is really hard. Keep going. It is worth it.