Hi Everyone,

Almost every night we can't sleep- so troubled- it never feels or appears that anything gets any better. It's still so hard in therapy. i still can't work- a part does but it's like going into a black hole and we don't remember what happens there mostly at all. It's difficult to get treatment for chronic severe pain- my pain dr is going tomstart 'weaning me off meds and i'm in so much pain i can't sleep already.
There's no friends IRL - we're all so separate. Parts have 'friends but we're becoming so dissocative that we're not functioning in anything at all. i think the work part was able to manage to work just seveeeen hours last week. We're not going anywhere in therapy- anywhere that's helpful it seeme. a new part came out last week but we were and are still so upset by the history of this part- all the memories keep comingbthe f.bkssssssss are so difficult to handle. There never was a time when there was si much isolation.

H threatens to divorce me. That's almost the last sstraw. Being married since a teenager i have no idea what life is like without my H and how to ever manage.

We've been waiting since 2000 - the fall semester, for disability status- we have it but don't have the help. So we struggle. trying to work with the lost time lack of support and the pain- physical pain and pain of the triggering events- who can contain this stuff when it's who we are now- now something to be able to ignore or throw away and not have to deal with again.

Too much trouble, too little support and too little hope.
Not enough inside or outside support to journal. Therapy in itself is hard enough. Can i even go one more time ? calling T afterwards from the parkinglot- how can i live with this alter/ everything is so changed inside.

i still have no idea who 'i ' am.
i'm sorry - i want to me a mom that is a place of rest for her kids. they must hate it so much that mom acts younger than their age and we can't get back there when we need to.

i wish that there was a way to make them understand-
it's not because we don't want to be their mommy. My kids, each beautiful one is the best that has ever happened to me. The only right reason for my continuing at all.

i'm so afraid. communication is still so hard, therapy is so hard i can't get there.
If h divorces i don't know how to manage- just the threat is too hard to hear. we can only remember when we're too tired to be upset anymore.

the lives are all crumbling. The pieces don't fit. i need someone to say 'you will be ok.' and the lives to become livable. i need to see who the parts are and recognize them as me.

We're so separate. It's an emergency and T and no one else is helping enough to make a difference.
even at church there's not a way to make my life work.

It's impossible . We're so sad to not put it together to find a solution. we'll hold teddy .

i tried so hard to get better for so long.
It's impossible.
kerria