Hi everyone...

So I'm sitting here at the barn taking a break from chores. My horse is watching me through the window. (he's a little irritated because he thinks he should be getting attention at all times!)

It's so peaceful here and a great place to try and think.

So....here's the deal....about 2 months ago I had surgery to repair some stomach ulcers. Of course, I scheduled and cancelled it a few times before I actually went through with it. They biopsied the ulcers at that time and it came back "suspicious." They wanted to redo it. Well.....I've scheduled and cancelled it twice already and it's supposed to be coming up this coming wednesday. I know I should go through with it but I am soooooooooooo scared. Not just of what I might find out but I am not fond of doctors or hospitals. Especially, the thought of anesthesia again is freaking me out. I can't stand giving up that much control. I have huge trust issues to begin with much less being in a situation where I have no control...... The fear is paralyzing!!

I try to tell myself it's just a byproduct of the years of abuse and I am perfectly safe but I don't feel that way. I've been trying to just swallow the fear and panic but it's turning out to be too hard. It's hard to be alone when you're scared