It is scary to have surgery. It is okay to be scared. I would be scared too. What you need to decide, I suppose, is what is the benefit of knowing what is making you ill versus what is the risk of the surgery. That is something your doctor should talk to you about. If you feel prior abuse is causing your conflict in feelings perhaps you can talk to your therapist about that.

You aren't having the surgery right this moment and your doctor isn't available to talk to today. Take a deep breath. Think about what you want to ask your doctor and write those thoughts down.

Then go kiss your horse on the muzzle and enjoy his horsey smell. Stay in the present moment.