((((Hunny))))),

I am sorry you weren't allowed to talk about what you were going through with your mother while you were going through it. It would have helped let it out then & it probably would have helped your Mother understand better why she chose to have the attempts.

I was the mother in the family who had the Su attempts. I never stopped my daughter from talking about it....just not sure that she ever wanted to as being too embarrassed about it....but I always let her know that it had nothing to do with her. At the time I thought it had only to do with loosing my career which was at the time my whole identity & felt like nothing without it.....took over 10 years to realize that it was also my bad marriage on top of loosing my career that caused me to feel that hopeless. My career was not only the only thing I had aimed for all my life, but it ended up my escape from my marriage. It wasn't until I finally was able to leave my husband & found out how happy I really was along with talking about it that I finally found out there were deeper reasons than just loosing my career.

It is so important for family to understand & work through these things & not hide from them or sweep them under the carpet . It's only when we all are able to talk about these things that we are able to put them into proper perspective.

I look back NOW & wonder how I could have thought it was so bad at the time.....but that was the time when I saw no way out of where I was & I was so unhappy even my daughter & my horses & my dogs in my life couldn't give me back the one thing I had aimed or all my life & that was my career. Children don't see the complexities of their parents lives that are involved in the emotions & they can't possibly see them if the parent doesn't talk about it or allow it to be talked about. I was able to let my daughter know that what I was going through wasn't because of her...not sure at the time how much she was able to accept that or not......but she truly understands now.

If your mothers situation was anything like mine.....the reason you couldn't make a difference was because you had nothing to do with the feelings she was having....the sad part is that if you aren't able to talk about it & if your mother refuses to talk about what her feelings were & why, then it leaves it unresolved & the why continues to stand.

I know that my situation may not be anything like your mothers, but no matter what the situation was like, until you are able to understand the reasons your mother had for her attempts, it will be difficult for you to accept that it wasn't because of you. For some reason, children tend to feel like they HAVE to take the blame for all the bad things that happen when in most cases they have absolutely nothing to do with the complex emotions that are going on in their parents lives or especially in the parent's life that feels the need to attempt SU.

Hope this helps you possibly put another perspective on how you are seeing your responsibility in the situation. I am sad that your mother hasn't taken the time or the responsibility to open up the conversation that is needed to really clear up the situation & set things in their proper perspective.

Giving you gentle to let you know how much I care & wish you the peace that you deserve to know that you could not have made a difference in what happened & that you were not responsible for the emotions your mother was going through that caused her to feel the way she did.


Debbie