Several years ago I had the opportunity to speak to a group of about two hundred of our area clergy. I sort of gave them a "list" by which to abide when talking to their congregants about their abuse. Anyway, I thought I'd share with you guys. Maybe it can help some of us learn to open up somewhat, and for those of us who are part of congregations in our community, perhaps bring some "insider knowledge" to pastors/rabbis, etc.

The List

1) LISTEN TO ME. Listen hard to what I am NOT saying. It is often in my silence that I bare my soul to you.

2) Let me cry. Be someone who can handle seeing my tears and not turn away, or turn me away. When you stuff Kleenex into my hands and cut me off, you reaffirm my unimportance.

3) Don't offer excuses, either for the perpetrator or for me. This means accepting what I say, not questioning his intent or telling me what a great person he is and how many wonderful things he has done for the community. "Forgive and forget" is a twist to the knife already embedded in a survivors heart. "Just let God handle it" translates to "you are not important enough for me to give you my time and listen to what you have to say."

4) Don't absolve me of my guilt or shame - you are treading onto the thin ice of an already cracked psyche. "Maybe you should see someone" means "Don't bother me" when it is said BEFORE we have a chance to tell you why we are really in your office. Chances are we already do see someone, but you'll never find out.

5) Don't be uncomfortable with me. I am a person just like you. What happened to me isn't like leprosy; it's not contagious. You can't "catch it" by touching me, or by touching my life.

6) You ARE NOT God. Don't try to heal me. God works through all of us, the key is developing a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. Speak when He gives you words, but also be able to back off when He says, "Enough." Don't try to do it all yourself.

7) LISTEN TO ME

8) Don't give me cliche' advice. If you dont' know what to say, say so. Most likely I've already heart it and you only disrespect yourself by giving me pat answers. "Jesus is the answer" is not the whole answer. Telling someone who is dying spiritually that Jesus is the answer is like giving a starving person a can of food. Just b/c you've given them sustenance doesn't mean that's all there is to it. Without a way to get into it, a tin can with food inside is utterly worthless. Nice pictures of good stuff to eat decorate the lable, but how do hungry people get to what's inside? I come to talk to you b/c I KNOW Jesus is the answer. I think maybe you might have the tools to help me get into that and understand what it means. How to use it in my life, how to make Him real to me.

9) Dont' think you know people so well. Many people have been shocked when I've shared this part of my life with them. They saw they would have never guessed I've suffered those things, or that I deal with the trials I do. It's not a compliment, not really. It just means i wear my mask well. And if they are fooled, you probably are too.

10) Don't automatically assume that the person sitting in front of you wants you to share some deep spiritual insight. Maybe they just want someone to listen. To really hear what they have to say.