((((Hunny))))),

I am sorry you weren't allowed to talk about what you were going through with your mother while you were going through it. It would have helped let it out then & it probably would have helped your Mother understand better why she chose to have the attempts.

Thank you Eskie, for taking the time to reply. It just means so much to me. I don't think Mom could have Eskie, then or later, there was just too much for her and then when I was 25 she passed away. It's just something I do need to talk about though and when you replied with your story, well, it just means so much to me. It is like a caring hug to me that someone would take the time to acknowledge our pain.

I was the mother in the family who had the Su attempts. I never stopped my daughter from talking about it....just not sure that she ever wanted to as being too embarrassed about it....but I always let her know that it had nothing to do with her.

I think you are a wonderful Mom to bring it up and show her she is free to talk about it and even in this late stage of the game it is important to have that freedom as it relates to so many other events that come along. It is like a memory of the date of some traumatic event. It has so many layers connected to it. Not even my sisters or brothers talked about it, ever, even to this day! It is so ridiculous! This is not to bring condemnation on those who try because we surely understand the devastation of life but we who have walked alongside these people need to have freedom from the chains of silence that bind.

At the time I thought it had only to do with loosing my career which was at the time my whole identity & felt like nothing without it.....took over 10 years to realize that it was also my bad marriage on top of loosing my career that caused me to feel that hopeless. My career was not only the only thing I had aimed for all my life, but it ended up my escape from my marriage. It wasn't until I finally was able to leave my husband & found out how happy I really was along with talking about it that I finally found out there were deeper reasons than just loosing my career.

It is so important for family to understand & work through these things & not hide from them or sweep them under the carpet . It's only when we all are able to talk about these things that we are able to put them into proper perspective.

You have worked through so much Eskie and come such a long way. It would have been my Mom's choice too, if she had lived, I'm sure. We do much to put things in their proper perspective, including, going to Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics but this last 'blow' was more than that coping mechanism could sustain and I am so appreciative for PC to be able to come and 'work-it-out' as well as going to our therapy. Maybe when we carry it for more years we have more to uncover, sort of.

I look back NOW & wonder how I could have thought it was so bad at the time.....but that was the time when I saw no way out of where I was & I was so unhappy even my daughter & my horses & my dogs in my life couldn't give me back the one thing I had aimed or all my life & that was my career. Children don't see the complexities of their parents lives that are involved in the emotions & they can't possibly see them if the parent doesn't talk about it or allow it to be talked about. I was able to let my daughter know that what I was going through wasn't because of her...not sure at the time how much she was able to accept that or not......but she truly understands now.

No, it is true it was not my fault although they tried many times to blame their children for the outcome of the choices they made themselves. It is as if I was invisible. It was like a blame that was tied so subtly to their addiction and the secrets surrounding that that I became hostage in their home, if you know what I mean. Not only hostage to not talking but hostage to the family framework with no possible means of speaking. It truly became so oppressive we eventually had to split in order to cope.

If your mothers situation was anything like mine.....the reason you couldn't make a difference was because you had nothing to do with the feelings she was having....the sad part is that if you aren't able to talk about it & if your mother refuses to talk about what her feelings were & why, then it leaves it unresolved & the why continues to stand.

Thank you for taking the time to tell me I was the innocent party. I to this day find it so hard to stay in my house. I am always trying to escape the walls of their entrapment. I am sure I was less than a perfect child, however your releasing me by saying this is a kind of a psychological release that you have taken the time to offer freely of your own free will. I forgive her for her attempts, I forgive her for not letting me talk. I release her as well. I just get reminded and flail about till I find my ground again. But this time you came and shared the beauty of reconsilliation with me. I do love you Eskie.

I know that my situation may not be anything like your mothers, but no matter what the situation was like, until you are able to understand the reasons your mother had for her attempts, it will be difficult for you to accept that it wasn't because of you. For some reason, children tend to feel like they HAVE to take the blame for all the bad things that happen when in most cases they have absolutely nothing to do with the complex emotions that are going on in their parents lives or especially in the parent's life that feels the need to attempt SU.

Again I say, Eskie, thank you for sharing your story Yes, although this last remembrance was impactful again, it tended to be somewhat less so than last time. I am recovering and understanding and accepting more and more each remembrance. I am a child or teen in my remembrance of these events and so I will pass onto each of them that Mommy/Mom did not hold this against us in any way, that it was the complexity of her own life that thrust into this decision. You may or may not understand but it was the trauma of this boy's death that caused our system to recoil and shut down...our family cared so much for him. Our internal Mom came out and said: "No more! to our system and we shut her down". But that did not work either since the internal children and teens felt responsible. *sigh*

Hope this helps you possibly put another perspective on how you are seeing your responsibility in the situation. I am sad that your mother hasn't taken the time or the responsibility to open up the conversation that is needed to really clear up the situation & set things in their proper perspective.

Yes, any love or kindness extended brings us to a place of better perspective. Thank you Eskie

Giving you gentle to let you know how much I care & wish you the peace that you deserve to know that you could not have made a difference in what happened & that you were not responsible for the emotions your mother was going through that caused her to feel the way she did.

I want to remove the blinders and receive your care and the peace that I deserve. I hope through this post that some of that guilt, shame and self abuse can be lifted. Thank you dear Eskie again for all that you have said. You are right, I/we are not responsible. I miss her sometimes and would so love to tell her that. May I just tell you one more time? "I love you"


Debbie