Lightwalker, I had similar thoughts as shezbut. Why are you in this relationship? Are there any positive points? If not, why are you there? Is it fear that keeps you with him? If so, fear of what? What does it mean when you say, "I do love him"?

I was in a longterm marriage with a man who shared some similarities with yours--like the part about him being unaffectionate, not wanting to kiss or be intimate. There was really something different about him from other men I knew, who were much more interested in sex, touching, kissing, etc. When we did have sex, it felt kind of prostitute-like since it was so unaffectionate and no kissing, etc. Like salukigirl said, I think part of it is that he is incapable of emotional empathy. That is combined with having a very low sex drive. And the lack of positivity. I think it is some kind of personality problem--a really engrained way of being that will always be that way. I don't think he knows how to think of others besides himself. How can that be learned at his age, especially if he has no interest in thinking of others besides himself? I'm speaking of my own XH, but maybe you will see some similarities.

We have split up within the last couple of years and it is so much better being on my own. He and I actually get along better now that we are not together. The pressure is off to be close, affectionate, etc., and that relieves the hurt. It is not so bad to interact in a business-like manner to organize our kids' activities and so on.

As for the negativity, could it be that your partner is depressed? I think such constant negativity can be a sign of unhappiness and depression. My XH started taking an anti-depressant several years ago and tells me his mood has improved and he is not so angry. Great--maybe that will help his in his next relationship. I wish her well!

One thing my XH told me once, as the marriage was coming apart, was that he could never let his guard down with me. I appreciate his sharing that, as it helps explain some of his withholding and cold behavior. But I do wonder sometimes why he was so scared of me and couldn't let his guard down? I am not a scary person. I am nice. I don't tear people down or make fun of them. It seems like he didn't let his guard down so we could never be close. Why would someone want to be married and not be close? He cut off his nose to spite his face--that's how it seems to me. I sure am glad I am no longer with him. If I ever have another longterm relationship, I want it to be with someone who is more "normal", for lack of a better word.

Lightwalker, it might be helpful to talk with a family therapist about your relationship, and clarify for yourself why you are still with your partner. Sometimes talking to a neutral person can help us see things more clearly. The therapist might also have ideas on how to improve the relationship, if you decide to stay.

Is there a possibility that the only reason he is back with you again is so you can support him? Sorry to be so blunt, but that occurred to me as I read your post.

I doubt it is going to be any easier to stand him when your kids have their own families. Why would it be different unless you and he work on the relationship and make changes? It sounds like all or most of your kids are grown now? Any kids left who aren't yet adults? It sounded like maybe you are already very close to all the kids being grown, if not there. They will be grown before they all have their own families--why wait until then to make changes, if change is what you want? I agree that it becomes more difficult to make changes in one's life as you get older. If you are 40 now, you can still make a lot of changes. 50 is harder. 60 is even harder. Change is not impossible at any age, but there are different challenges along the way. I am going back to school to learn a new profession. This is part of the change I want in my life since I got divorced. It probably would have been easier to do this 10 years ago, but such is life.

The good thing for you is that you are not married to this man, so it will be easier to leave the relationship if you decide that is what you want. If you want to stay together, would you consider going to a couples counselor? Maybe that could help.

I don't want to attach labels to your relationship, but you might find this book to contain some useful information, whether or not all of it applies:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans

Good luck.