((((googley))))

Hun, it was not your fault but it is what they always want us to think because that way it is not on them. For me, I had to ask for the abuse and then thank them for what they did. Then it was my fault. I was told so many times that I made them do this and that I was a bad girl. So much that I named some within the very names I was called because at that time it was all I knew.

As far as forgiveness, they say it is so you can allow yourself to be set free from them. I was told yesterday by a very good friend that I needed to forgive myself from telling myself that I was bad and at fault. For it was not me just as it was not you. As far as forgiving those that abused us, I do not know what to say. Maybe it is because I am not there yet and I am not sure I will ever get there.

So many times when I am told I need to forgive I ask what I need to forgive for???? I am always told it was not my fault so what am I sorry for???? I do not feel I will ever be able to forgive them. Epsecially when things are still happening. What do you do when the past and the present collide and the past still lives within the present?

Googley, you are okay. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I validate your feelings and I hear you. You are not to blame. It is so hard when you cannot prove anything and those that were there lie. But you know if they did tell the truth they know they would be in trouble. No one in my life will ever admit it. I tell my t all the time and my friend, that I wish somehow I could show them proof. But the proof is looking at me and seeing what it has done to me.

Maybe the proof is really more for me because sometimes I just want it all to go away. I just want it not to be true. Yet, I know it is and so do they. Just like with you, it is true whether anyone admits it or not. I believe you and I care. I hear you about them being abused somehow giving them a pass. So many times I get so angry when anyone brings that up. For I was abused and I did not do that to my children. She had a choice just as we have a choice. I find it hard to feel for her.

I understand that feeling of always looking for the hidden motive to hurt me. And as much as we do not want to think that way, our brains were wired to go there and to distrust anyone. How can we be expected to trust and not think that we will be hurt when the very ones that were suppose to be there to protect us were the ones bringing on the hurt.

We have a hard time trusting even when we really try hard to it is something that hurts. You have a right to feel the way you feel and I get it. I am so sorry this happened to you. But I do understand what you are saying. And I validate that. I really do.

Thank you googley for sharing once again. Right now tears are forming in my eyes as I think about those things I so get that you talked about. And it hurts so much I cannot even call anyone to talk about this. For within we are all feeling afraid. Feelings swirling around that we have felt before, and needing to shut down so no one knows. We love you googley. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps