I realize my above post sounds really snappy, but I was expressing my feelings at the moment. And really, my feelings are not much different now, except I regret to sound like I was snapping at annieinside. I am not snapping at you per se, but at the situation. I worried from the beginning that because I don't have a bunch of hospitalizations it would look as though I'm not "sick enough". Its a frustrating and torturous situation to be in where I had plenty of plans for my life. I graduated with honors with a bachelor's degree in English and have completed most of my graduate studies, but its like none of that matters. In the "real world" my functionability is near zero. I lack the ability to deal with petty office conflicts and politics. I become enraged at injustices. I let my obsessions take over and take on too much work, then I become depressed and fall behind. I crumble at the slightest bit of criticism and utterly shattered when my direct supervisor took credit for some really good work I did. I simply cannot handle having to report to people about my actions. I am capable of any work, I will excel at everything and anything I try, but if I am forced to interact with other people, all my abilities go in the toilet because I'm weird and moody and I have outbursts when I am overloaded. I let things build and build and build until I become tortured by things that ordinary people just let go (like racism, I lost my last job because my boss was a racist pig and I couldn't take it anymore). For all my good intentions I usually end up just embarrassing myself because I try to fix things that other people are perfectly ok just letting go. I tend to alienate everyone I work with because I don't handle small talk well and I despise gossiping. I'm honest and straightforward about things and that REALLY doesn't go over well. The fact is that I am not capable of maintaining employment. I have tried and tried and tried. And I cannot do it anymore. I cannot come home crying everyday. I cannot call into work every other day because I am unable to handle my duties. I've never found a place that was open to attempting to understand, much less accommodate, mental illness in its employees. I was talked about and when I made them incredibly uncomfortable I was put on a "paid leave of absence". After that things were never the same. Gradually they started taking away my responsibilities, they took away the one employee I supervised, little by little I was completely marginalized until it was so obvious I wasn't wanted I couldn't make myself stay there. I know this makes little or no sense because I'm all over the place, but I want you to understand, its not like I want to be weird and pathetic. I don't want to have to be on disability. I want to have a career where I am appreciated and accepted, where I help to support my family. I want to feel like I am something. At least if I got onto disability I would have eventually gotten medicaid (care?) and would be able to actually spend more than 45 mins a month in therapy and may actually get to the point where I don't have a panic attack the moment my phone rings, or someone knocks on my door, or I have to talk to a stranger. I want to be ok. I am tired of wanting to get a lobotomy. I have honestly BEGGED my pdoc for a lobotomy. ANYTHING to stop this torture. Anything to make this pain and confusion go away. I don't want to feel judged because I haven't been in the hospital. For me the hospital is a luxury I don't get to indulge in. Just because I haven't been in the hospital doesn't mean my illness is any less severe, any less debilitating. And wanting to have that acceptance of a piece of paper that says "yes, you are sick" may be stupid, but its something I need to feel less invalidated. I am not trying to be weird. I want to be sane and normal.