When I try to imagine myself in a permanent work environment I get very panicy and scared. I know this is just my anxiety, but it honestly terrifies me. My ability to be around people has reduced dramatically over the last few years. It takes great effort for me to make it to the grocery store every two weeks and anything beyond this causes me such panic that its usually not worth doing whatever it is. The only things I can MAKE myself do are things for my son; I just take a ton of xanax and deal with whatever it is as quickly as possible then I come home and freak out big time. God, I am so tortured by this. I know I keep using that word, but I don't know what else to describe these feelings as; torture. I want to be productive, but I am so bad at handling life around "strangers", ie, anyone besides my husband and son, that I freeze up and ruin any situation I am in. Any confidence I had has been gone for so long that I cannot imagine how to get it back. It doesn't help that I live in a really small town in Mississippi where everyone knows what's going on with everyone else. The only place to have a job is at the university here and I've burnt my bridges there by turning in my former employer for a huge amount of unacceptable behaviors. They literally blackballed me and I've been completely unable to find another job since I've turned him in. I have gone to so many job interviews and been flat out rejected that I have no confidence left. Clearly I am defective. I cannot even get a job working at a convenience store. Not that this matters, because if I had a job, I would freak out. Its hard to explain, but I end up being so weird that it severely impairs my ability to function on the job. Ug, I don't know what to do.

I am going to try really hard to make myself contact a lawyer. I wish there were someway to do this without having to actually speak to other people.