byzantine: the decision to divorce was taken a few months ago. at the time, i may not have been sparkling and happy, but i don't think i was depressed, just generally upset. since then, underneath the general 'getting on with life', the stress and pain have been building but that's to be expected. it all simply blew apart a day after he calmly discussed the division of assets with me.
complete capitulation? he's the hero, remember? not me :P i get to stay in the house until i find a job and a place to stay. but he gets to stay permanently with the kids because he has the steady income - and personality... i would need the job in order to get both a place to stay and to pay support for the kids. if i don't get a job, he gets to continue owning me...

it's a win/win for him. he either gets to be rid of the crazy wife (translated to: abandoned by) and gets some money for his troubles, or gets to be the long-suffering husband trying to do what he can for the crazy wife who, strangely, wants a divorce.

at the moment, no, i am probably not in the best place to be making many decisions. luckily i can see that. after my crash yesterday, i am simply concentrating on breathing for now. i am wondering though when will i crash again - how will i handle it - what is my best course of action now? etc. worry, worry, worry. the only decision i am making today though, is 'breathe'.

feelingsad: i think percentages are wonderful things. there is no scale that says 'because you have experienced xy and z, you are entitled to t amount of pain, but if you have only experienced x and y, your problems are less'. i hope you find that by reading others' stories you feel more that you are not alone, rather than 'relief' that your pain can't be that bad. please don't negate what you're feeling through others' experiences. i don't know your story at all - and to be honest i'm not ready to truly listen yet, but i will be soon, i promise! - but if the greater percentage of your life is dominated by negative feelings, you have as much 'right' to your pain, have as much right to be heard as anyone else. then again, i may just be preaching to the choir :P xxx

nuckingfutz: thank you for that affirmation. yes, i need to keep in mind that he abandoned me first, for nothing more than a simple 'birth defect'. he made the choice many years ago to let me deal with this on my own. it was his own insecurities that carried him away from the woman he claimed to love. his choice. and now as you say, the grieving process... thank you.

with regards to the assets, we've split that fairly evenly i think with most of the things staying with the kids. i can make it on my own although it won't be easy by a long shot. i can be rather tough and i take pride in being strong, most of the time anyway. i guess that's also why i find i get extra hard on myself when i get depressed and find the decision to take medication so incredibly difficult. but i may still get there. but for today, the decision is simply to breathe...

doomed: 24 years? eish. you have more stamina than me, girl! and odd you should mention the 'old flame'. a few weeks ago, i bumped into one, although he lives in another country now. he understands depression and emotion and it would be so easy just to fall into that 'safe' environment.

but i have to be clear. i had already made up my mind about the divorce long before i re-met him. he could disappear again tomorrow, considering the distance between us and that should not affect my original decision in any way. and while it would be lovely to have a soft place to fall, i won't regain any 'self' by doing so. i need to do this on my own, for my own reasons - for me.

i know i am the last person to give any kind of advice on marriage at the moment, but have you tried marriage counseling? because surely at some point you two were compatible? would it not be possible to regain that? even though i am going through a divorce myself, i am strangely still against the general principle. if both parties are willing to try, i believe there is hope. perhaps you aren't trying as hard as you could because your heart is pulling you in another direction? i don't think there is a right of wrong in that, it's just something to consider.

if you had to take both the familiar husband and the new, exciting love out of the picture, what's left? what do you want? where do you want to be? how do you want to feel and who do you want to be? other human beings are fickle and unpredictable imo and if you want to get out of a depressive cycle, perhaps you should consider what you want for you first, then slowly start adding the other elements to see which ones fit best...
but that's just me. i may also just be firing blanks into the dark