Beatlesmarley, what you describe about your actual emotions...you are numbing yourself. I'm very familiar with it. I do it all the time. I think that happens when we self-injure too. We want to forget about the pain on the inside. To do that, we put so much pain on the outside to distract ourselves from our true feelings. I haven't cut in over 2 years and I don't think I ever could again. So if you need support in quitting, I'm here. But part of this was because I was pregnant and now I am a mother, I realize I don't deserve that. When I was cutting as a teenager, my mom used to show me pictures of me when I was a baby. She would say, "You're doing this to my baby. Why do you want to hurt her?" That really moved me. I hope you could look at younger pictures of you and realize, that you are the same person, the same child, just grown. I hope it helps. I hope I'm not giving you terrible advice. If it sounds like it'll make you too upset, don't do it. It might make you cry, but you know, it's okay to feel sad. And don't beat yourself up about it. You'll get there someday, someday you'll quit hurting yourself. Just be careful, and know there are people in your life that really do care about you. You should talk to a therapist if you aren't already. A therapist could really help you. They really care and you can trust to tell them anything, they won't judge you.