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Originally Posted by googley
I think part of the reason that it is so hard to think that their (my parents') behavior was wrong is that they always said that they loved me. If it was wrong them maybe they don't love me. Then I'm all alone.  And I don't have anyone who loves me. And if my parent's don't love me who will? Even though I can't stand to be around them.  |
I'm sure they did and do love you Googley. They are just probably dysfunctional.
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Originally Posted by googley
I knew that I had internalized negative messages about myself from growing up. But I never before realized how ingrained they are and how vicious they are. How much they have made me feel like crap. It's scary to look at them. I feel like they will never go away.
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If you work on them they will go away.
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Originally Posted by googley
But it is hard to want them to go away when I feel like I deserve it.
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This does make it more complicated. You can work on this too, though.
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Originally Posted by googley
I feel guilty, awful, ashamed about wanting to stay in the same comfortable place.
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You aren't doing it on purpose, though!
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Originally Posted by googley
I've never had (or at least never been able to recognize and name) these feelings before. It scares me.
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Why?
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Originally Posted by googley
Just because we didn't get to everything that is screwed up inside of me didn't mean we didn't work and accomplish things.
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These things need to be worked on in layers. Sometimes we just aren't ready to work on certain things and we need to work our way towards them. I'm sure that none of your previous therapy was for nothing!
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Originally Posted by googley
I At the same time I feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling so bad. I remember the children's saying "sticks and stone will break your bones but words will never hurt you...." But there were no sticks and stones, there were only words. How can words hurt this much?
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THese words were not supposed to come from your parents, though. This saying was meant to refer to other children. Our parents build our foundation. This role is critical to our mental health.
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Originally Posted by googley
No one protected me. I was the kid. Didn't I deserve protection? But no one stepped in to stop it. It makes me feel worthless.
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Yes, this can certainly be the core of your feelings of worthlessness. They were wrong, these people! You deserved the best but because of their shortcomings, you didn't get it. You didn't get the best because of anything to do with you. You were a child and you deserved the best.