i appreciate your posts, sunrise i understand now, thankyou for explaining, even though this is obviously anonymous, its still hard to write stuff on here, i admire all your strength to be honest & to share.
even though i joined a year ago, i still find it strange & much of this is alien to me, i stumbled over the site when i started to see a T for PTSD, i went as i had heard about EMDR & had been struggling for a couple of years since i saw my friend get killed, it didnt work out, i struggled with everything, he did the procedure once but wouldnt do it again, said i wasnt suitable, & i dissociated too much, we would have to take a different approach, & started going into my childhood/history, i didnt like it, tried to keep with it, but the last straw came when he missed an appointment, that's how important i was, he forgot about me.

i didnt go back, but things got worse, went back on pills to try & compensate, first few months just felt knocked out, i kept increasing the dose, i know this is wrong, but i think my system just got used to them, i thought things would be straight forward, but it was like a can of worms, other stuff from my past just kept rising up to haunt me, i cant get rid of it, i assume he sensed something thats why he was digging, but ive been struggling more since i stopped going, so have spent the last few months trying to get myself to go back, i dont feel right, like im lost, i'm not connected to anything, that i'm in a different time to everyone else, i get confused with what is real, i dont want to be like this, i seem to have developed this unbearable feeling of other people, i cant bear to look at people or people to look at me, dont go out unless its work, i see danger everywhere, T before said this was hypervigilance, it seems to have spun out of control, i know i cant change until i at least understand, & i dont understand anything.

I have had abuse in the past, that i cant seem to get away from, i was trying to build myself up to talking to T about it when i posted my original thread, felt scared he wouldnt understand, he would judge me, when i was little i was stuck in situations i couldnt do anything about, that takes alot of the blame from me?, but what makes someone stay with someone like this again when your older, when you have a choice, why would you put up with this for years?, i feel pathetic, shame, guilt, worthless, i must be worth nothing to be treated like that, i hate myself for it, that's why i needed your thoughts, i related so much with everyone, i am not alone, this gave me strength to bring up with T, after reading what you had all written surely there was nothing that i would say to him that he hadnt heard from someone else, so i tried but it was a disaster, my legs where shaking so much i couldnt speak properly, i felt so stupid, i ended up getting up & leaving, i cant bear myself at the moment, i couldnt even sit down & speak like a normal human being, i dont know where i'm going from here.

i'm sorry for making some of you feel uneasy, i hope this goes a bit of a way to explain.