Mhm. I'm sorry. I see that you care. I didn't mean to make it sound like I didn't think so. I'm just not used to it, so it's hard to know how to say it all. And I appreciate your support and caring.
I guess I could talk to my grandma. I'm just scared she would be too freaked out to do anything, and would just tell my parents. She wouldn't believe about the abuse. And on multiple occasions I've heard her say that she thinks people that cut themselves are weird, and don't belong. I'm not sure whether she would help. But I guess it's worth a try. I just don't want to lose touch with yet another member of my family and I'm scared she would judge me, and that's exactly what would happen. Should I just try to find someone on my own? Are 16 year old's able to hire therapists on their own? And yeah. I guess I'm getting a job again this summer, if I make it that long, which will be good I guess.
So if I sign that paper I can tell her anything and she can tell nobody? Even if I tell her all of my true feelings? Mhm. I'm just scared that whoever I end up talking to will just judge me and disregard what I say, and tell me to just stop. I'm scared to tell anybody about cutting because I think they are just going to think I'm weird. I have no idea what made me start. I think it might have been just completely hating myself, or wanting to die. I can't say for sure. These are some main reasons I still do I guess. That and wanting to control what I feel instead of others controlling me, and to feel on the outside instead of the black on the inside.
Yeah. Ok. I'll try that. Once I tried getting into a shower of burning hot water so I would feel the pain but not bleed. I guess that works. Or not. I don't know. I don't..I just don't know. And no, I'm not taking anything. I probably should though. But I'm not. Got it. Juice, vitamins and Omega3. I'll work on those I guess. Thanks.