I know you are feeling lost, not understood, isolated. You wonder whether posting here is safe for you, you wonder what we readers of these forums think. You are afraid and you are asking for help.

You have DID and you also deal with high levels of chronic pain.

You don't have good mental or physical health care. You haven't found support elsewhere that works.

Okay. I have some ideas I will share, the ideas won't fix everything. They are just ideas and sharing from someone who cares - me.

I'll imagine that I am going through an experience like your own.

When I find myself worried about what folks think about me online, I think over whether I maybe need a break from being online in forums. Am I feeling unsafe, am I sharing too much for me? Or do I need to remind myself that what folks think about me online ultimately does not matter? Sharing and friendship to a certain degree can be found, yes. But the nature of the Internet is such that many of us are ships passing in the night, I need to be careful to not pin my support hopes here only.

Besides, what counts is -my- worth. I am worthy, I have inner worth and beauty that is not dependent on what others perhaps think.

Also, most folks aren't spending time thinking badly of me, they are preoccupied with their own lives. Anyone thinking badly of me doesn't belong anyone near me. I do not rent room in my head to bullies.

When I find that I have a new diagnosis, a new experience, or that I'm not coping successfully with the cards I'm given, I get to the library. I also hit up amazon.com. I research research research and find amazingly good books of ideas, support, examples, encouragement, and inspiration.

I am assisted immensely by reading stories of what other people go through. This reminds me that I am not alone, that I am unique but I am part of the huge messy glorious human family, and that there is hope.

I work on remembering that I get to be human. I get to make mistakes. I get to live and thrive. What all I did in the past to survive is okay. And I am here now.

I seek out what helps me be happy. Even little slender threads of happiness in the day can be immensely helpful. Simple things, a good book, a good meal, the smile of a friendly cashier behind the counter.

I find what works and apply generously. If doctors are not helpful with my pain levels, I get what I can, then do what I can at home. Hot baths, stretching, gentle walks, distraction, ice, menthol rubs, anything that works is great.

Back to the library and book stores. I read through all sorts of self help manuals. I especially find good info on how to cope with anxiety and depression, trauma, destructive groups, bad relationships, parenting.......there is a gold mine of information out there. Some doesn't apply to me, some is silly, some is misguided, but lots and lots and lots is very helpful. Saved my life in fact.

Eventually I poke round more out in the world. May look like there isn't a decent therapist in sight, but I keep poking, reading, maybe a new one will move to town, maybe a new clinic will open, maybe I can go to the next town over. Maybe an acquaintance will have coffee with me. Maybe I smile at someone at a store and they smile back.

I insist on surviving and living. I refuse to give up. I learn new habits, I learn how to control destructive urges, I learn how to claim my entire life and craft it the best I can.

Kerria, I cannot reach in and change your life, none of us can, you know this. What we can do is provide sign-posts, we can tell you about the journeys we've been on and are on. We can tell you of some of the possible traps and of the joys. We can understand, we can empathize. We can encourage you to work on your own map of discovery.

There are excellent ideas and much support in this thread already. I like zh's suggestion also for you to print out past posts and look them all over.

I have an inner helper that kept me alive through all sorts of trauma. This helper comes from inside me, and I now cultivate the image I have of this helper, I develop it. No one gave it to me. I have to purposefully claim my own center, my helper, my life.

So, I wish all things good for you. I hope you claim your inner helper.

I hope if necessary you stomp your foot and insist that you get good enough mental and physical health care. The health care folks might not be able to completely erase the pain you experience, but they do need to help you take the edge off.

I hope you find moments of grace. Moments when you can relax, even smile and enjoy. I wish you continued strength on your challenging journey.

Sarah