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Feb 17, 2010, 11:40 AM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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I started it, now it keeps going down and down and down...
First it was EDNOS, then anorexia taht stayed not so bad for a while, then that progressed and turned into anorexia and bulimia... I went to the drs as soon as i saw it going down and at the time they saw no problem because I wasn't underweight, but then when I dropped to below the weight I was when i was 16, they questioned it, asked how my eating was. So I said "Ugh. Don't ask" and they got the point that it was getting worse.
So now, it's turned into full blown starving and if I do end up eating, I bring it straight back up. I wish I didn't, i wish I could stop myself. I don't want to be like this. I never did, I don't want to be like it anymore. I don't want to be a disease.
It's causing Connor and I to argue a lot, although he denies it. I'm weak at work and can't concentrate so therefore get extremely frustrated when other waste 2 hours of MY time for not doing their job properly and nearly causing ME to get the sack. Ugh.
I'm so tired, sick, fed up  I can't do anything without feeling like it's the wrong thing to do, without doubting myself. My Sisters have just dropped me like I'm nothing and now that's how I feel. Like nothing. My boyfriend is blaming me for everything and telling me that I fail. At work today, he was crashing about, making a load of noise, shunting drawers back into their shelves and scaring me to the point that I almost shouted "For heaven's sake, stop being so freakin' stroppy!!!!" Everyone was complaining when they walked with me later on I don't want people to be complaining about him to me... But he's brought it on himself. i stuck up for him to the manager yet when I told him that, he said sarcastically "Well done. Nice one. Brilliant! Have a medal."  i was just trying to help...
How am I supposed to get anywhere when i feel so stuck as this?
Sorry for the ramble. I'm so stuck I'm so unhappy I'm so miserable and weak and in pain
I got a phonecall from one of my close friends laying into me because she's so worried about losing me. I felt awful. I don't mean to do this. I don't do it on purpose. I just can't keep anything down
I'm sorry. I'm feeling hopeless..
I hope you're all okay *hugs*
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