Possible Trigger:

I felt like I was "better" when I was repressing/controlling/fighting "everything". The last three days have gotten progressively harder and harder and I feel like it is just the beginning. I have started to post here so many times and delete it (but save it as a "journal" entry) each time. My dreams/nightmares are intensifying. I can't even believe what I dreamed this morning (and I've always had an intense dream life/some whopper nightmares). I've never seen anything so horrifying in my life. But I also got lucid in a dream last night (I had at least 3), which hasn't happened in a long time. I don't trust myself to be home alone with my son 13+ hours every single day anymore. I am discovering that parts of me are jealous/angry towards him, and it is terrifying. It doesn't just feel like normal "intrusive" thoughts anymore. It feels like entirely different thoughts and emotions with strength behind them, and intention. I am cycling through emotions and thoughts that are just too much to handle alone. And I'm facing the reality of having to find out what happened to me as a child, and accept that something did. I don't even want to talk to my family right now. And I'm afraid to post here as it is because of what happened the first time I tried, even though most of you are amazingly supportive and kind, it only takes one person to make me feel like a worthless piece of crap who's just manifesting my experiences as a construct of my own psychosis, and I already have enough self judgement and self doubt of my own. I'm afraid of even talking to the therapist because of what she might think of me.

For the lack of a better term, I'm freaking out.