I had a difficult session with t on Monday, but it was a good one. I have had problems with memories lately. My t and I talked about them and exposed them. Then he said, "So now that you and I both know what happened, what are you going to do with the memories?"

I know I have a choice about what I do with them. I can keep wallowing in them, which does me absolutely no good, or I can do what I have learned to do. I can put them away. Not that it is as easy as I make it sound. It takes practice.

He used this analogy: He's a horrible speller. Say there is this one particular word that he knows he always misspells. He can continue to just misspell it. He can continue to bear the consequences of misspelling that word, say points off on his essays. Or, he can pick up the dictionary and look the word up and check his spelling. He's been taught to use the dictionary. It is a skill that is helpful to him. It is a skill that, if used, will allow him to not have to suffer the consequences of repeatedly misspelling the same word over and over. AND, as an added bonus, after he has looked the word up several times using the skills he has been taught, eventually, he won't even need to use the dictionary because with practice, he will have learned to spell the word correctly automatically.

Now granted, he admitted spelling a word is a whole lot easier than dealing with old traumatic memories. But the mechanism works the same way. I know those old memories are old news. I'm not suppressing them anymore. I've looked at them inside, outside, sideways, and backwards. But it is time to put them away, to stop giving them so much power in my life. I do know how to set them aside, as difficult as that may be. I have been taught the skills to stay focused on the here and now, and only use those old experiences as insight into my present thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I need to choose to pick up my dictionary of skills and utilize them. I need to put what I know into practice. Regularly.

Practice. I know he's right. And these last few days, sure enough, I've picked up my dictionary and I'm feeling better. I wonder how many times I'll have to pick up that dictionary before my skills finally become automatic. Think I'll wear out the cover?