Hi, I'm new. I'm eighteen. I also posted an intro in the general introduction section a little bit ago. If you'd like to know a little bit more about where I'm coming from besides the ptsd maybe you could check there? Thanks.. anyway, I have severe ptsd. From my ptsd stems severe social anxiety and moderate agoraphobia. I went to therapy off and on for forever but got nowhere with it. The medications also didn't help.

I have a lot of trouble getting treatment for my ptsd. I think the main problem is that I can NOT bring myself to talk about what happened. All I can say is that it was extremely violent childhood S**ual abuse and that I was R**ed more than once.. but even that little bit of information is too hard to say outloud really. Even typing the words out fully and uncensored it seems would trigger me. I have talked to next to no one that's in my life now about everything that happened. My fiance knows some of it but not the full extent. We have been together for several years. We live together and he looks out for me. He is my major support... but besides him there's no one I've been able to talk about this to really at all.

I would sit there in the therapist's office.. trying to answer questions and trying to talk but litterally unable to make the noises to form the words. I become almost physically unable to talk every time.. I don't know what to do. How can I expect anyone to help me if I can't even really tell them what happened?

I brought one therapist some medical records and copies of the police reports hoping that then she'd know where I was coming from or magically know the right things to say but even those don't really tell the full story.

July 31st will be ten years from the day I was saved.

I wish I knew how to save more of myself and I wish I knew how to overcome this problem so that I can move forward in therapy.. so that one day maybe I will be better enough to move forward in life. I feel hopeless..

People have suggested writing down what happened and what I want to say about it but even that seems too hard. I seem unable to do even that. I've held the pen for over an hour... but I just can't put it down. When I try to talk about it or write about it I become like a statue almost...

Has anyone out there ever gone through this or dealt with this problem?

I don't want people to think that I'm not trying to get better.. I want to be able to talk about it so badly.. but I can't.