I totally feel that way. I dealt with anorexia nervosa beginning when I was 10 , but it didn't get really bad until I was 13, until I was 17. Then when my mom left me with my aunt, I went from 92 lbs to about 150 lbs. I felt terrible about my weight at that point. Then I went down to 115 in less than a year. I was only fed once a day, if at all, and I exercised for at least 3 hours a day. Then when I was pregnant I got up to 184 lbs. I lost about 25 that first month after my baby was born, but it took me 9 months to lose it all. Now, I am a healthy weight for my height, 120 lb. But I still struggle with the anorexia, even though I'm at this weight. There are times I restrict food. But not as much as I used to and there are times I eat a lot more than usual. When I do eat a lot, I feel terrible, irritable, and mad with myself. I think I'll always still struggle with these feelings and my need to be skinny. But I think it's more important for me right now to know that it is okay to eat.