Hi. I'm so glad you find this site! I read this all, you are a fantastic writer! I'm so sorry about your terrible mother, she has some serious issues, and I'm sorry about your life so far. I know this is so off topic, but my cousin just had a baby 3 days ago. She, my aunt, and uncle are already several times daily abusing my second cousin, he is 5 years old with classic autism. I saw these pictures put up on Facebook and Myspace of the new baby girl. I looked at her and asked myself, Why? Why would it be allowed in this world for someone to bring this precious little innocent angel into a life like this?" A world that I already know is going to be terrible to start with for her... I see your story here, I know she will be more, just like you, but I wish I could stop it before it even starts...

Anyway, I have felt the way you have. I am constantly avoidant, so much I am dissociative. I had questioned if I was even abused also. It was because I avoided and dissociated so much, it didn't feel real. I don't remember everything. But I remember enough to know that I WAS abused. I also have problems with being assertive. Two of my abusers have stalked me. And I also tried to go to college but dropped out due to my mental health. I started to struggle though with getting my work completed and my GPA slipped below where it had to be for me to stay in school pretty fast, so I was disqualified. I still don't know what I have to do about that. I should have called the school by now...I'm glad you are still able to work, although you are having problems with it. I have social anxieties from trust issues, but I had to get over that when I worked and I did okay. Good luck. I'm glad you are trying to see a therapist. I hope you keep posting so we know how you are doing.