krazy, your heart is amazing and so kind. Thank you so, so much.

All of you taking the time to share your experiences with me, to be there for me and support me and to make me feel so welcome means more to me than I can even say. I am glad that I finally made it into the chat last night, even if it was late. What happened for me in the first hour or so of that chat was more insightful that I can even describe. It was very intense, but also very comforting.... because so many of you were there to make it all ok. Afterwards I tried to allow myself whatever I needed to feel "ok", and I ended up falling asleep with my son's favorite teddy bear in my arms. Every time I woke up I was still clinging on to it very tightly, until my son was tossing and turning this morning next to me, searching for his teddy to stick his face into (that's what he does to cuddle with it, lol), and I snuck it back in place for him and felt a calm and peace in my heart. <3

I love you all so much!! You are amazing people!!

I had another dream/nightmare last night about losing my husband and son. I was trying the entire dream to make it to my therapy session, and had all sorts of obstacles along the way. Usually the symbolism in a dream isn't as clear to me as it has been the last two nights, but in writing it down I knew that my fear in the dream was my fear in real life about losing the ones I love as I travel farther into myself and down this path.

But I know I don't have to be afraid of that, so hopefully tonight will help to calm some of those fears. My husband and son are coming to the therapist with me, even if they just stay in the lobby, even if they just stay down the street. I'm bringing in some journaling and writing about my dreams for her.

I am going to try to stay as positive, and if not positive, then distracted as possible leading up to the apt. tonight as I can.

After the apt. I think I might swing by the toy store and get a teddy of my own. I used to collect them as a child, and I still have a bin of my favorites saved in storage that I've never been able to part with.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.