This message board is a little bit new for me. I hope I don't post something wrong or make someone mad. I am a very private person and I don't feel comfortable talking about the fact that I am bipolar.

I'm embarrassed, especially when people talk down about it, calling anyone who is acting psychotically or aggressively "bipolar." I feel like if people knew I was bipolar, they would not respect me or trust me, and they would lump me in with the other "psychos." I try really hard to act normal all of the time, and it's exhausting.

My family is very distinguished, and they see mental illness as a weakness that needs to be overcome. This increases my feelings of embarrassment, as if I'm too weak to overcome this problem. They excuse my erratic behavior because I'm the "arty" one in the family. Sometimes they say it's in my blood because my grandfather went insane towards the end of his life. I think they are trying to be kind to me and tell me it's not my fault I am the way I am, but it just makes me feel worse and more out of control.

I was diagnosed with ADD as a preteen, and took Ritalin throughout my teenage years. It made me aggressive and filled with rage. When I got to college, I didn't take the meds anymore, and dealt with feelings of mania by going out and getting trashed. Then I would take pills to come down, which made me depressed. My mother took me to a family friend/doctor who prescribed anti-depressants without even seeing me first. Those caused me to spin out of control. I swung between irrational rage and explosive bouts of partying and crippling depression. I would just disappear for days and end up somewhere on the opposite side of the country with people I barely knew.

In my early twenties, I went to a doctor who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. He prescribed lithium and also twice weekly trips to the psychiatrist. My insurance stopped covering the psychiatrist, and my doctor - also bipolar - flipped out and ended up living on the streets. Needless to say, I was stranded with no doctor and no psychiatrist. I have not been back to either since. I am now 30.

My husband doesn't really believe in mental illness. He sides with my family and says I should just try harder to overcome it. Other than that, he doesn't want to talk about it. Because of that, for the past few years, I have tried to manage on my own. I try to exercise and keep my sleep patterns stable. I try not to drink or do drugs. I have a few close friends, but I really don't talk about my personal feelings or thoughts, even to my friends. Sometimes I go off the rails, but usually I can manage my bipolar disorder.

Lately, I have been feeling really bad. I can't sleep, I have butterflies in my stomach all of the time, and a feeling of sinking, crushing guilt for just existing the way that I am. Sometimes when I'm talking to other people, I start saying stuff that doesn't make any sense. I think about just fading away, and plan out how I will go without bothering anyone. I am not usually a cryer, but I sometimes cry for no reason. I have been spending a lot of money, and the amount of debt is making me feel even more anxious, and then I hate everything I bought. I want to embrace the feeling of nothingness that comes with being really high. Then, I immediately feel guilty for having those thoughts. I feel like everyone is out for himself, even my own husband and family. I know that's cliched.

I haven't really felt quite this bad before. I don't know what to do. Most of the doctors in town are friends with my family or know me socially, and I am embarrassed for them to find out about my bipolar disorder. I can't talk to anyone about it. I am afraid that taking medication - like Lithium - will hurt my career. I know that all sounds silly, but maybe some of you have come through the other side of something similar?