Before you read this and think how pathetic I am -- please know that I am just writing this to make myself feel better.

Whenever I listen to Welcome to My Life by Simple PLan I want to break down in tears. It describes my entire life from beginning to end. But of course, I can't, someone will see me and ask me if I am okay. I'll say yes and they will either say ok or just say that they know that I am not okay and force me to tell them what is wrong. So I mask my feelings with this stupid smile that I have been wearing for so long, it automatically comes on whenever I see someone. Are you happy now? No one can tell that on the inside I am screaming and breaking down in tears. How did it even get to a point where I got this depressed. I hate myself for this. How could I get this so far off. My life is so messed up, I can't stand myself being around. But that is a stupid thing to say. And suicide. I... I can't do it. My family doesn't deserve for me to die after all of those years. Those years when I was an innocent smiling girl. A happy. Normal. Typical girl who had nothing wrong with her. That's who I want to be. But it is too late now. It's my fault that I let everything get so messed up. What is wrong with me anyways? Nothing is wrong and I keep on screwing up everything I do. My friends? Yeah right, I don't have any really friends anymore. They stabbed me in the back and left me by myself to sit there and cry. And for all you poeple replying things like "It is going to be okay! *hug*" No, it is not going to be okay. I haven't been okay for a long time. Ugh. I just want to break down crying. As if I don't already feel pathetic by writing all of my feelings down and expecting everything is going to be okay -- when it isn't. I'll wait for that one moment, when no one is in the house, and run to my room. Turn on my TV, iPod player, and all of my alarm clocks to their max volume and scream until I lose my voice. There. Now I won't have to talk to someone who just wants to hurt me. I am tired of being nice to people who I hate. I convinced myself that school is the source of my depression. So I've come to dread waking up at 6 AM every week day to go to a place that I hate. And after all those years staying at a living hell in school. I have to go to college. That's just great. More crap to deal with. I bet tomorrow I'll read over this and think how stupid I was to even write this and how corny it is. I just want this to end, the only thing I feel is pain. But like i said before, my family doesn't deserve that. Life is crap and I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. I haven't hurt myself ever before, no suicidal attempts, no cutting... I am just about to cut myself and then I just can't do it. No one can save me now, it's too late. I had so many chances and I blew them all. And when I am sleeping I turn off all of the lights so I am left in pitch darkness, surrounded by the darkness. And truthfully, it only feels right to lay there in the darkness. To sit there crying like some emo. I mean, I want to be okay but I can't help but sulk in all of my pain. One time, I was in the car and I suddenly had a spurt of happiness for no apparent reason and I thought to myself "Is this what it feels like to be truly happy?" and then I suddenly went back to being depressed. But my mom was in the car driving. I couldn't cry no matter how much I wanted to. And another thing is when I was acting really sulky while I was at a restaurant with my family because I was very depressed and I couldn't help it. My mom asked me if I was okay and I said yes and put on that sickly sweet smile. But now she was serious and asked me "No, tell me the truth, are you okay? Now I knew that she was going to know that I was depressed so I quickly smiled and said "No, why would you think that?" and as we left the restaurant I laughed and smiled -- and they were all fake. I pity myself so much, and I don't want other people too. They don't deserve to, my life is my fault. I was the one who let it go as far as to make me this depressed. If you were me, you would truly understand how I feel, and I know you don't understand me. Don't tell me that crap about knowing how I feel and how I'll be okay. i don't want any of that. And as you see my smiling and laughing profusely, you now know that inside, there are unspoken words. Unspoken words or pain, anger, and despair. I can't stand this anymore. Why can't I be fricking normal like all those other happy girls in my school. They laugh and smile -- and they are truly smiling. And the popular kids at my school only make me feel worse. They make me feel like a worthless piece of s**t that no one cares about. They never had to even try for anything, all those stupid kids would bow down to the popular kids. Even the people who are smarter than most. They would share test answers with them in order to be accepted by the popular people. And as if all of these things weren't bad enough, the guy who I have liked for the past 6 months broke my heart. So go ahead, kick me around, punch me, say hurtful things, tease me about being a worthless emo kid. I can't feel you hurting me anymore. My brother is the kind of person who does these things to me. I mean, I usually don't cry but he tends to say hurtful things and then hurt me. So basically he hurts me psychically and mentally. And that's when I go into my room close the door, put my pillow on my head, and cry for a long time. And what I hate about myself is that I forgive him to easily, so I get stuck in a circle of him hurting me and then me crying then forgiving him. This happens about once a week. So there. I am sick of all of this. And if you actually took the time to read this then I am sorry you had to listen to my stupid rant that you don't even care about. You probably wanted to tell me "It is going to be okay! *hug*" but now you aren't. Most nights I stay up till 1:30AM crying or just thinking about how much I hate myself. I can't seem to get it right. :*(

I am sorry for wasting your time.
It is my fault. All. My. Fault...