I think I have BP II - I'm always depressed, but once in a great while I will feel good about myself - within a couple of days I'm back to being super depressed again and just wish I were'nt alive. I tried to end my life once and thought about it a second and thrid time, but gave up the pills to my husband instead of taking them, like I did the first time. I feel guilty most of the time (and don't know why), I feel like crying, I have no self esteem (even though I'm told that I'm very talented in my writing and scrapbooking), and feel worthlelss - like I'm just taking up space - my husband and family deserver better than me. And I just want it to all end!! I want to end - but I don't think I have it in me to harm myself ever again dut to being Catholic.

I almost wish I had mania episodes! Instead I'm always depressed - very rarely do I do something mania - like spending money I know we really need to hold on too. I will order things on line and then be sorry and it's too late to cancel the orders and then I hide the things I bought and then will give them a presents for Birthdays or Christmas. That saves money during the holidays! LOL But those days are few and far between.

I'm just tired of being depressed.... I'm on Effexor XR and Abilify 2.5mg (5mg is too strong for me - I have sever reactions to 5mgs), I take benadryl for the side effects of the meds, and take a mood surpressent to be used as needed. I don't sleep unless I take the benadryl and mood surpressent - I stay awake for up to 3 days at a time or I want to sleep constantly.... Lately I just want to sleep all day. No energy, no interest in any of my "favorite" hobbies (reading, scrapbooking, crocheting). I have to push myself to just clean the house. I have to push my self to even care for myself - put on makeup, fix my hair, dress nice... I just don'g care and do the miniamul in caring for myself - wash, brush my teeth, shower, wash my hair.... I'm over weight and hate the way I look - I feel fat and ugly. My kids told me I need to lose weight too, but I just don't care.

I'm sorry for the novel and "self pity" - but it feels good to let all this out...and it's not anger, it's just feelings of depression.

Thanks for listening.