I definitely feel better today. Everything is better in the morning, I think. I am glad I found this board because just reading through makes me feel not so lonely. I am focused on other things outside of myself today, which is usually what helps me to overcome the bad feelings.

I don't trust people not to pass judgement on me as a person and reduce me to a condition with a stereotyped set of expected behaviors. And honestly (why is it easier to be honest in the morning?), it's really just a big excuse. I am trying to reason why I can't go to the doctor and have him/her tell me that something is wrong with me that I can't control, that I need medication for. I don't want the medication, but I am trying to get past that. It's like a cancer patient who is pretending not to have cancer because she thinks that if she ignores it, she'll get better. Estupido, as my Brazilian boss would say.

I think a lot of people don't think that bipolar people can lead healthy, stable lives, and trying to prove them wrong while also trying to be "normal" is very exhausting. Especially in your line of work bd78 so kudos to you. I agree that people don't understand mental illness. I think it's because of how it is portrayed in the media, and the fact that there's a certain amount of stigma attached that makes people embarrassed or afraid to educate others. I don't see any ribbons for bipolar awareness, for example (although maybe it is I who is not educated enough on it). I don't want to let my coworkers know that I am bipolar because then every time there's the slightest problem, they'll write it off as me being bipolar and I'll lose all credibility. Then, on the other hand, the media has glorified it to a certain extent, which means that the behaviors are adopted by people for attention, which then impacts people like me who really need help because I don't want it to seem like I am one of those people just looking for attention. I worry a lot about what people think - way more than I should. That's a personality flaw that I have to overcome if I really want to get help, but so far haven't been able to.

Anyway, thanks to both of you for responding. I think more than anything it's good to have a place to talk where people understand.