Lexicon,

My Mother died of cancer this last January...just about 8 months ago, & her birthday was tomorrow which takes my thinking back to where we were last year at this time just after her June surgery. I was so frustrated with her because she wouldn't take care of herself & do the things she needed to do in order for the complications of the surgery to be minimized. She constantly said her surgeon didn't tell her to do what was needed....at the end, I found out he was irritated because he felt she wasn't taking care of herself either & "she didn't give me much to work with when she came to me in the first place".

The biggest problem was that I ended up going through so much trauma during her last month she was alive that effected me to the point where I don't feel that I have ever been able to get past that & feel any grief. On top of that, I listen to people who have wonderful memories of their mothers......another thing that is lacking in my mind....not that she was bad......she just wasn't good. The realizing that if she had let me into the decision process at the end (since I am the only child & my father died in 1989), the RN wouldn't have been a part of the picture to steal my Mothers ID, threaten me & have the police called on me to accuse me of abuse to my mother, & then, she OD'ed my Mother on morphine besides stealing all the jewelry in the house. I lived 24/7 the last month with my mother until I was hospitalized for my anorexia which was caused by the stress I went through. While with her, I lived her pain & also her denial that anything was wrong......it was the continual question of "when am I going to get better", "I have been praying to get better & so have all my friends at church, so I am going to get better". In the end, I couldn't even have the kind of funeral we had for my Father because I was hospitalized for malnutrition & felt too much fear to have anyone other than family & very close friends (not even her boyfriend who was a neighbor of the RN). I don't even remember much of that period of my life. If I really think about it, I can't feel guilty about what happened....it was out of my hands & I did the best I could to protect us from the RN.....but the memories of that experience remain & have hidden most of what should have been normal grief feelings. I too took my mother for granted.....afterall, she chose to be a housewife & my job was school...that was my thinking.........but I realize that everyone has their life to live & the choices they make are their responsibility as is the results of their choices.

I hope that you will soon realize that you are worthy of your own life & that your mother lived hers the way she chose.....I don't know if you have a T, but I have found one that is now helping me deal with my issues surrounding my Mothers death & we haven't even gotten to grief. I feel that a T is extremely valuable in this situation......it kind of sounds like you need help getting along the grief path.....it takes different times for each person, but when we get stuck in a place, it is time to get professional help. I tried the grief therapy that the hospice care provided for the family, but my problems were so complicated that they couldn't come close to helping. The pdoc & psychologist provided by the hospital could only focus on the anorexia, not the cause......& the psychologist I had at the time I went through the trauma, just didn't know how to deal with trauma cases besides having his own physical problems at the time.

I hope you can take the memories you have & put them in perspective......you are not at fault for what happened & just because you mother wouldn't admit what happened, it did.....you are worthy of being the one that is alive.....your mother lived her life & she would expect you to live yours without regrets of being alive instead of her. You did not make her deny what happened. I know this is really a harsh world to be left alone in......but in that case, a therapist may be able to help you cope with that issue also.

Take care of yourself & please consider getting some help to get you along your grief path.

Debbie