I followed my thoughts last night and they led me to visualising T lifting her top and breast feeding me.

My whole body felt so weightless as I experienced this. It got a bit confusing because it was like reaching eutopia and realizing its been there all the time in therapy, but I am so caught up in numbing out and the pain of no breast a loNg time ago. I also realised that the dantasy of the eternal moment is just that, that because I never got my eutopia as a baby its grown and become so much mightier then what it really what have felt....my desires and dislikes have grown out of starviation into monsterous unobtainable freaks..that even if T were to lift her top and I to feed on her breast theres the rest of life to be lived, no one can be that attentive, accept the small baby inside of me that was starved has never worked throUgh the normal phase from The me me me stage to the me and other, its this waiting for something that doesn't really exist anylonger, complete merger that has made me blind to what is reaL, what is available and what I have been getting from T.