I'm just... exhausted. Emotionally, physically. I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me and I'm just left an empty shell. I'm mourning the loss of the hope of ever being with the 1st person I ever truly loved. I'm going through weed withdrawal (been perpetually stoned for a year), still recovering from bronchitis, my eyes are killing me (chronic condition that weed was helping), I can't eat a full meal despite being hungry and I literally feel such a huge weight on my chest that it physically hurts... I'd give anything to have it lifted so I could at least feel comfortable breathing.

I just want to sleep. If I could get away with it, I'd just sleep for a week straight. Work is so daunting. I mean, all I really have to do is log into a website and wait for my phone to ring... but the idea of having to force myself to be perky and enthusiastic makes me want to hurl. My mind and my body just feel... weak and wilted.

I spent so long loving him, believing we were tailor made for each other. He's one of the best friends I've had and has literally been the 1st man to really be IN my life. I love him still, and unconditionally. I grew to know and love him like family. It's so hard to let go of the fantasy, it's been such a huge part of my life, I feel such a loss without it.

I know this isn't the end of the world, I still see a future, I still have plans... it's been a wake up call, I know he can't give me what I want and need... but still, I feel so empty.