(****ing hell - my net timed out so I lost all my words. ****.)

Today I resigned from one of my jobs. I hated it, it was a really ****** work environment and I feel better now. Was meaning to line another job up before I did this but I was too overwhelmed and needed to end it.



Zooie, history wise, here's a kinda summary:-

Was always the kid with 'issues' at school that exceeded in extra curriculum work so teachers liked me. I overworked myself with additional projects - educational compeititons, concerts mainly - while doing my usual class work.The school would intervene whenever I had depression episodes that would lead me into self harming, suicidal thoughts etc. They wanted me to seek professional help but family said no as they thought I was faking etc because I was such a good student when I 'got over it'. This scenario happened a few things during my youth. Things started to come apart I think around the end of elementary/primary school or a few years earlier than that. tried to seek help during my youth but my family was too much of a barrier.

Over the years I've only used short term couselling to really cope. These counselors would try to diagnose me - depression, bipolar, whatever they'd throw out there - and said to see a professional for it but I shrugged it off as I didn't have the time and energy.

End of last year, I fall into one of the worse crashes I ever had and I think I'm still recovering from it. My partner told me I that my own self-help isn't working anymore and told me I "have to" see a doc. I ended up in emergency after some severe panic attacks. Was cleared of any physical health issues and had the mental health team assess me. As I travel in and out of states all the time at the moment, they decided not to start me on any sort of care plan; just told me to see a GP for meds if I don't feel better in a couple of weeks after taking work off. They thought it was situational depression. Some thought dysthymia. To be honest, I lied a lot to the nurse doing the assessment. I know I shouldn't of. I was just scared of being admitted if I told them about my self harming and suicidal thoughts at the time.

Saw the GP. He wanted to start me on anti-depressants but decided not to as my travelling meant he couldn't monitor how i was going. Got referred to a psychologist.

I liked the psychologist I was seeing (alas, in another city now so can't see her anymore). I was able to be honest with her. She thinks my history clearly indicates bipolar disorder and recommended I see a pdoc to be evaluated to see if she's correct. So that's where I'm at - waiting to see the pdoc.

Just frustrated that I've had so many false starts due to all the different docs and stops on treatment due to my travel situation. I just want facts so I know how to get better finally. It's been too long. I'm over it all. I'm sick of the racing behaviour I have that overworks me, then my body kicks my *** and I fall into depression for no reason, if anything maybe just the exhaustion. But I can't even pace myself when I'm productive not to exhaust myself because I get depressed when I don't reach the same productivity level I've reached in the past. Circles. I'm starting to dislike them ><