Hi All!

Truffles maybe I can shed a little light since I am going through it myself right now. Maybe I can help... maybe I can't... but at least it will be something to think about.

I have been fighting BP since I was in high school. The problem was that I just didn't understand. I never realized how NOT normal I was. I have been DX several times with BP but no one ever explain to me and I didn't realize there were different stages. Finally they have DX'd me and explained the difference between Stage I and Stage II. Since I never had a manic attack as my brother did (He was stage I) I always thought that I was just a little depressed and that the Drs were wrong, I didn't need the meds, and that I was just a little depressed and that because of the way my childhood was I just had issues I couldn't get rid of. I've been to counselors, Drs. Pysch. Docs the whole gammit.
During this time I have destroyed two marriages and my third is in the crapper. She wants a divorce, has disengaged and is seeing an old high school sweetheart, she says she still loves me but that the pain of being with me and with my actions are more than she can handle.
So in an effort to try and save this marriage I have turned to another counselor and reading selfhelp books. But for me, her looking me in the eye and wanting a divorce triggered a manic episode. mind racing, not sleeping, not eating, crying, irregular body temp., serious thoughts of suicide. I was all over the place. I finally went back to my Dr. and it was this time that he decided to inform me of Stage II BP. So I have started meds. Symbyax and Xanax and the racing thoughts have stopped and I'm able to eat and sleep now. I know it is going to be a rough road and I hope and pray my wife decides to stay and working things out.
Now to you... I would have episodes that i didn't realize were episodes. I had an affair. Not because my wife didn't love me or we weren't having sex but because I had this intense need to be loved, appreciated, cared for and more sex. During a depressed or level time I would never have even thought about having an affair with another woman. Also during the last 7 years my wife and I have been together, I have uncontrollable fits of rage and anger. Never physical, but definately mental, hostile, yelling, cussing and screaming rage. At both my wife, her family, my family, friends that didn't agree with me. So between treating my family and wife like crap, I had an affair, and many many many on-line affairs. I couldn't stop even when I wanted desperately to. I never wanted to hurt my wife or family. I never wanted to do the things I wanted by I couldn't control myself. As for remembering them, some I remember, some I don't unless reminded of them. It is scarey. Hell I am scared to death right now. I just started the meds so they haven't "charged" my system. The xanax is helping a little. But I am still scared I am going to lose my wife and I am scared I may actually not be able to fight the thoughts of suicide. I keep readig about the meds and they keep saying there is a small risk of these thoughts or actually carrying them out. I don't want to hurt myself and I definately don't want to hurt others. But it is there.
My advice to you... don;t give your husband an out, he'll take it every time. Wake him up. Point blank tell him. Its either he goes to the Dr and gets help or he's gone. If he balks get help from the authorities and have him removed. If it triggers an episode the authorities can help him. If it wasn't for my wife finally hitting me with divorce papers I would still be ruining my own life and the lives of my family and friends. So stand by him, but get him help!!! I wish my wife would have done this 6 years ago... it would have saved a lot of pain, embarrassment, torment, betrayal and anger. I don't know what my wife is going to do... but I do know what i'm going to do... I'm going to stay on my meds, work with my Drs. and therapist and become a human being again.