You know I have been hanging on for awhile. I have been really trying hard to feel better. I've been keeping my moods "stabil". No big ups and no big downs. Thought I was doing pretty well. I've felt something building for a long time and then WHAM, it hit me a couple days ago and it hit hard. I don't know if it's the weather, it's gotten kinda rainy and gloomy. I might be my isolation. I really want to be around people but there isn't so many opportunities right now. I don't think it's my marriage situation becuase in the smallest ways that is actually getting a little better although far from perfect.

Why just so sudden? Ok, I said it was building, or I felt that way but I really feel like I have been hit but a train emotionally.

I am afraid of going back to the bad place again. I talked to a friend yesterday and told her that. I had already talked to her last week and she said we should do more. I have been isoalting myself from my friends here now lately. It's a vicious circle of being so alone so much and then I only want to be alone but deep inside I want to be with people.

I want to reach out to my friends here more but I think because of what happened with my friends and family back home, I have this fear of them leaving me too. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Maybe it's because I feel like I lost my best friend here. She is still there and we talked but I don't know what to say to her now. It's very ackward and weird.

I don't know what to say. I'm just babbling I guess. I just feel bad. All I do know is I am fighting my hole. It's not gonna get me again. NO way in hell.

Thanks for listening,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell