Sometimes, I think too many people blame too much on one parent abandoning them. My dad left me, but I know it's not an excuse for every mental health issue I have or everything I do in life that is wrong. However, sometimes, I have this urge to downplay it and say, it didn't affect me at all. I don't think that's really true, either.

I was SO SURE "Daddy" loved me. He said he did. He acted like he did. I knew he did. I didn't even question it- ever. Until he started to push me away. It all happened so quickly. How he ended the phone calls, stopped visiting. He never said why. He never said goodbye. He has never accepted attempts to contact him. It has been over 14 years since we had ANY kind of contact. Over half my life. I cannot reconcile it in my head, that he loved me and then just cut me off that way. I can't. I believe he never loved me at all. It is so difficult to comprehend that, though, because I was positive he loved me. I can't understand how he could have pulled it off so well. If he was faking, if that was an act, ANYONE might be lying. Whose I love you's can I believe?

I tend to worry people are losing affection for me, that they never like me to begin with, etc. I had a boyfriend that I really believe loved me, but throughout our relationship, even after I was mostly certain he loved me, there would be these moments of doubt, just sheer doubt. I'd begin to wonder if he loved me romantically, did he care about me at all, even or was it a complete act? Who was this man and what did he feel? I questioned his whole character and his love for me, for not so much as a minor reason sometimes. I think he loved me, but I still get doubts at times.

The guy I am with now, I love, but he has not said he loves me. We've been dating for 2 years. I honestly believe he will never say it. If he does say it, I think he will be breaking up with me when it happens or one of us will be dying. I am giving up all hope of hearing the words. It is far more important that he means it than says it, but I really want to hear it, too, if it is true. And not hearing it, I doubt that it is true in a way. Part of me thinks he might, but really, maybe I just really wish he did. I wish I was ****ing good enough to love. I felt okay about it, I thought- thought I had made peace with it- but for some reason I've taken to obsessing about it emotionlessly for the last few days and today, the old emotions of being hurt by it, kicked back in.