I'm about to go to college too and when I read this I felt like I was looking into a mirror. I too have lost-no, pushed away all of my friends with what feels like my own sad stupidity. i used to be fairly popular (freshman year) and boy was that a hard drop! I am a "crying clown" or the person who (atempts) to smile and laugh, but feels like crawling into my room's closet turning out the lights and crying my brain out. I'm not a cutter, but once I was so upset that I went into the bathroom stared into the mirror at my red puffy tear filled eyes and placed the sharpest knife I could find to my arm. I must have slashed it in the same area at least 20 times. It wasn't deep at all amolst like paper cuts, but it was one of my lowest points.. I stood in the bathroom and stared into my own hopeless eyes as I literally brought my pain to the surface..
I tried to hide it, but my sister saw it, a large formation of lines that looked like a giant asterisk(*) on my arm. When she asked what it was I told her with the creepiest smile,"oh, yeah I cut myself. Just having a bad day." I tried playing it off as something silly I did just for fun, but she didn't believe it. i wouldn't. I mean who cuts themself for fun?

Anyway I can't look at people in the eye because it hurts. The person I had a crush on most likely thinks I'm a freak, and during school luch/brunch I wander up and down the halls alone with a blank expression on my face. My used to be friends made note of that and brought it to my attention telling me that I looked "creepy and sad." Which is right on the dot. I just hate it had to be witnessed by anyone. When Im alone I wish i were with people, when I'm with people I realize why I should/like to be alone. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be known as "that wierdo chick"