I have felt this day coming for quite some time only didn't know how I might feel. It would have been her 81st birthday Sept 2. There is an internal fight going on inside....one that tells me that I should take flowers to her & my fathers graves which are side by side. I haven't been to the cemetary since the funeral....just can't get myself to go there. I don't remember much about the funeral, don't even really remember being there. I remember at the funeral home when I took everything there that my daughter wanted put with my Mother, the director asked me if I wanted to see her. I couldn't even do that.......the night I told her it was ok to die was the last time I saw her. It seems so hard to have it together on the outside, to be so matter of fact about it all, while being torn up inside not being sure of what was going on...only by intuition.

I have my day planned tomorrow......riding lunge lesson in the morning & feeding the horses in the evening. That does give me time in the middle of the day to go to the cemetary. I would always give her flowers when she was alive.....she loved them....and I remember her saying that if you can't give me flowers when I am alive, don't bother after I'm dead. For her funeral, i had long stemmed roses for each person at the funeral......her rose garden was her pride. When she visited me in the hospital the many times I was in, she always brought me roses out of the garden. All of my pets as a child were barried there in the rose garden too.....there are alot of memories held inside the walls of that property.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out thinking about it. Knowing that it really would be easier on me if I didn't make that long trip.....but there is something pulling me to go that I really don't understand. I am mad at her for leaving me behind, having to deal with the mess that she made of her life at the end......thinking that the choices she made allowed her to kill herself in a way other than suicide.....just because she chose not to treat her cancer until too late. I am the one that caught the RN, I am the one that was threatened, I am the one that has the horrible nightmares & the feelings of not being me but watching everything happen around me. But I have my horses & my dogs to protect & keep me in the here & now when all else fails.

Will see what tomorrow brings,
Debbie