I turned 26 in december and since I've been having a storm of epiphanies and resolutions. I guess because in my mind 26 is the age where I imagined that clock to start going off, and by golly I was right!

Tonight while hanging out with my housemate/friend and our mutual friend I realized that being around my housemate makes me feel anxious much of the time... and not because I have people issues. She's just so negative! Since I've been sober and a little more aware and sensitive I've been picking up on all the passive aggressive things she says and how most of our conversation is about ragging on other people... granted, it's almost always people who haven't been the most lovely characters, but sometimes she gets a little mean and catty and it's just negative energy. She was going on about our friend and making mean judgments about his relationship with his new wife. He's never been anything but a doll to us, especially considering he met us as fans (he's kind of a rockstar here on the east coast). He's been nothing but sweet and gracious. So I felt just dirty even letting her go on about it. I had to tell her I didn't feel it was right to talk about him that way when he's never wronged us and we should talk about something more positive. Later on in the evening I realized I'd had enough of her and excused myself... not in a huffy/anxious/annoyed context, mind you, but I just no longer felt like being social and wanted to retreat to my comfy bed. It's pretty awesome that I'm becoming more mindful of my feelings and what kind of energy I want to be around, and still accepting someone for who she is even if she wasn't making herself particularly pleasing tonight. Normally I'd let the feeling linger, I'd take her too personally and then I'd just be feeling even more negative than her!

I also realized that she and I are VERY similar in all the wrong ways. Except she's 12 years my senior and not quite as introspective, lets say. This has made me both understand her better and to see how I probably come off to other people. We got to talking and she told me in so many words that the things that bug her about me are exactly the same things that bug me about her. I also realized that I don't want to grow up to be her. I love her to death, she's a really great friend and is like family... but I really hope to be in a happier and fulfilled place. I don't want to keep focusing on flaws. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over, and I want to be able to know how to let the right people close and to keep the rest at a happy safe distance without the negative context.

Even though I've still a ways to go, I'm still in the best mental health of my life. I'm starting to really be grateful for even my worst experiences because I always take something valuable from it. Falling in love with my best friend and him breaking my heart (inadvertently) inspired so much passion in me that I've been blessed with because it opened a Pandora's box of creativity, and it's even cooler because the people around me are taking notice. Because of this, I'm becoming so much more comfortable with my own voice, which makes me more comfortable with who I am, etc. Being satisfied with my own company has been the most liberating feeling. I love being around the people I love and I do crave companionship, but it isn't a gut-wrenching need anymore. I don't feel that desperation I used to feel. It is pretty freaking awesome, I gotta say.

I guess I'm feeling kinda blessed tonight.