Dear WHY,
You said in your writing that you was given so much chances and you blew them all up. Exactly my own situation and my own thoughts with the difference of life experience. I think like that with every depression I have Many of them), but still seeing in surprise again and again that life gives me new chances every time. Although now I think that it's the end-now I really blew up everything possible- still deep inside there is some belief is alive that it'd be more chances given
You are very young, I'm grandma already. I wish you to learn to recognize and appreciate the new chances life is going to give you and use them for your adventage. Be well and feel better