Hi, I am new here. I self diagnoised myself with depression when I was in high school. I grew up being taught to smile,never cry,never get angry.I actually got told negative things when I was sad or angry about anything.I just recently learned that maybe that has something to do with the fact I cant express feelings in a healthy way. I got used to it.I got used to my feelings and having to bottle them up,not being able to discuss them or even feel them.I grew up believing that THEY needed me to smile.So I did.I smiled when I wanted to cry,I smiled when I wanted to scream,I smiled when I wanted to die.I knew as early as 9 that there was something different about me.But I ignored it because I was taught to.My family didnt discuss mental conditions and emotions.By the time I was 12, I couldnt sleep more then 4 hours a night,and somedays I ONLY wanted to sleep.I started drinking and in one day finished a whole body of vodka.I wouldnt eat and sometimes I would overeat.I would wake up in the morning and I would think about jumping out my second story bedroom window.I would wake up and think how I wish I hadnt.But by this time certien thoughts were normal,so I ignored them.By the time I was in High school I would drink almost everyday.I would eat because if I didnt people would worry.I would smile because I knew nothing else to do.I would get headaches everyday if I had to be around people for more then a few hours at a time.I would go home everyday sick.I started getting more distant and more queit,or I would have sudden burst of HIGHS and be the life of the party.My senior year was the breaking point.A close friend died and I didnt want to live.My family thought I was strong because I was so queit and handling it so well.But in reality I was plotting my death.My sister told me she didnt know what she would do if she lost me,so I stopped plotting.My best friend and my first love started cheating behind my back, that was my breaking point.I wanted to kill them.I turned violent and angry and I no longer could hide it.I no longer could FORCE myself to function or smile.So I went to my school counselar and told her that I thought I was depressed.She told my mother who didnt believe it.She thought I was being dramatic.She took me to a therapist anyways and still thought I was being dramatic.I stopped going to the therapist because it wasnt helping.I hated the meds and I wasnt ready to talk.He would never understand.So every since I have been dealing with it on my own.Somedays I wake up and just think life will get better,I am working towards a future.It will get better and I am happy.Then other mornings like today I have to FORCE myself to get out of bed.I finally decided I needed some change when I got into a relationship with a guy,fell madly in love with him,yet...I couldnt control my emotions.I would get unreasonablly angry over the smallest things.I have even started thinking of hurting myself again and I hadnt done that since I was 18.He and I broke up because he couldnt handle the constant down.The insane emotions and the anger.I have lost the man I love because of something I cant control.So it was time to fix it before I lost more people or I lost my life. I have a two year old...but sometimes I think about just walking away and dieing somewhere.So here I am, seeking help and support.I am still not ready to go back on meds. I am still not ready to go to a therapist and tell them something is wrong with me.But I need t do something.