I can never ask for help irl.

I want to a lot. I think I drop hints sometimes that I need help. If a friend actually picks up and offers their help, I feel like I have to reject it.
I hate it. I want to ask for help sometimes, but I don't want to need to ask for help. I feel like I shouldn't need to.

I used to never need help. I could go through hell and survive. I still survive. I hate surviving. I hate that word. I hate the notion of survival and survival of the fittest that I've drilled into my head. The notion of weakness and strength- asking for help is weak. Needing help is weak. Wanting help is weak.

Then there's pride. I don't consider myself a prideful person. My therapist suggests pride keeps me from asking for help.

But help is weak. I'm the beast of labour that keeps marching on with stuff piled onto his back. I get help sometimes- I get help because everything falls off my back and hurts me, and then help is forced onto me.

I don't want it to fall off my back and hurt me. But I hear them in my head and think it again, help is weak, friendship is weak, friendship is fake, you are a burden, no one wants to help you, you don't want anyone to help you.

I want to be strong. But my notion of strong is skewed.

I still see them as strong. I mistake strength for twisted power and physical superiority. They never asked for help, they never needed help.

It's all so mixed up in my head. And now I just sit here. I don't want to call someone, that's invading on their life. I don't want to email someone, that's imposing a reply.

Or I want to but I can't.
IDK.