oh I know EXACTLY what you mean! I've always had this problem. I grew up with a very frigid mom who taught that only sluts enjoyed sex, everything was nasty and so on. She was also not affectionate so as an adult, It's been tough trying to be comfortable receiving intimacy even though it's what I really really want. I've had a whole lot of short term flings that left me feeling less of a person. I remember feeling the physical pleasure, but not fully accepting it. I definitely remember feeling disconnected from it, never really understanding why.

Within the past year and a half things have been getting better, I ended up meeting my best male friend who I've hooked up with a few times. Eventually he told me that he had a hard time orgasming because I seemed so disconnected from it, that I didn't even really move! I had no idea my discomfort was that apparent. I even went so far as to ask another male friend who I'd been with what he thought, and he confirmed it. Then I kind of realized why most of the guys I've been with never came. Why most of em never called again, etc.

Well, recently was the 1st time I've had sex since he told me that (like 9 months or so... been celibate). It was with him again, so It was easier to be more comfortable. We're really close and I've loved him for a while, so there's trust. It was INCREDIBLE! I think the reasons why it was so good and why I was able to fully be there and enjoy and let go were because I've been making a great deal of progress recently with being more comfortable in my own skin and content in my life and the fact that I was being intimate with someone that I love and trust. And after he told me that, It made me realize that I needed to take time to work on myself and not settle for less than what I want and deserve.

It's been almost 2 years since I've had casual sex and I can honestly say I don't crave it. I think I dissociated partly because I never felt respected or wanted by men, because I never had one really IN my life before my best friend. I had a wall as big as the great wall in my mind. I had no clear idea of what I wanted, what I was doing and I was just terribly insecure. Swearing off casual sex was the best thing I could have done. I've learned to enjoy my own company because I'm not worried over dates. The time I used to spend cruising for men, I've focused on my art, and people are taking notice! This has skyrocketed my self esteem alone. I've also learned to be more relaxed and to appreciate the company of the person more, rather than feeling the pressure to make it something more. My best advice: stop dating, stop hooking up and be friends 1st. There is no real intimacy without love and trust. Also: If he doesn't treat you like your best friend, it's not a healthy relationship.
Hope some of that helps!