Hi everyone.......

I have moved far away from anger, blame, fear and deep feelings of retribution towards my mother after many years of hard work, but it is interesting when a moment in the present can somehow transport you back to the past, instantly. That the years of therapy and coping strategies, suddenly leave you in mid-flight and plonk you somewhere in the past. It takes great strength to drag yourself back to the present, and breathe deeply and use reliable mantras of radical acceptance to still your heart and control your breathing........and then the nightmares.

I will try and keep this as "nice" as possible.......I do not want to unduly distress anyone. But the situation is as distressing as it is, and I am sure as you read on you will understand my fright.

I have been dx with Aspergers recently after a couple of years of intensive therapy. I am 36 years old and female. It has been a very hard road, but I am optimistic. I told my mother of it and she was quite accepting. During the course of our conversation, she said to me "I was not meant to be a mother, I was meant to be a worker. That is what I am good at." I thought to myself that it was very brave of her to finally admit that, not to me, but to herself, and I agreed.

Yesterday, I was speaking of a unrelated incident (which I will not go into) regarding the use of terms from parent to child like "I am going to ******(be very violent)" or "One day I am going to *******(end your life)" (or other hugely negative things which were said to me as a child) to my mother. I had encountered it from another parent and I was concerned, very! So I spoke to her of it. And she said to me " Well I don't think the father meant it. I used to say things like that to you as a child all the time and you are still here, and I never meant it."

Yep.......okay........phew.

The thing that wanted to blurt out of my mouth in a TORRENT, was this "Yes I am still here, but I BELIEVED you every time you said it. I was waiting for the day when you would take my life, because you WERE violent and aggressive and just downright terrifying. They were not JUST words, they were threats and I BELIEVED YOU!"

I am not upset, because I am not afraid for my life now, but I am deeply unnerved, a bit wiggy, displaced and discordant. I had nightmares last night, none of which I can remember, but bad enough that I had to wake my fiance.

So this is a trigger, I snapshot in time to bring all the past back to me, or the small bits I can remember. The feeling of paralysing fear, of feeling so unsafe for so long. Wow.......it has truly blindsided me.

I am not angry with my mother, but part of me wishes I had said what I wanted to say, but it is one of those things that would not have been therapeutic and would have just dragged up stuff where we fear to tread. Conversely, I kind of admired the fact that she was so candid about it. At least she is being honest, no matter how horrible it is.

You may think me strange for saying this, but I am glad in a way that it came up. That the true past is coming forward in pits and pieces.......and I am safe.

I did say to her later in the conversation "I have never told my son that would ******(end his life) no matter how angry I have been." and that is my success I guess, that I have worked so hard to not treat my son the same way I was treated, and to learn the skills of love and unconditional love.

That is my triumph.

Thanks for listening......

Michah