My impression is that you're imagining suffering tortuous conditions, to imagine how those you care about might react. Perhaps hopeful that they'll be amazed and horrified by the pain you went through...feeling unloved. Then, you kick yourself for thinking such thoughts ~ you're a horrible, evil person who deserves a life of misery.

If this is correct, I'd recommend working towards accepting the person that you are. You don't deserve a life of misery. You deserve some happiness and satisfaction, like every other human being. It takes time ~ and work.