Power & weakness did leave a huge imprint on me. It always has and I don't think I'll ever erase the mark it has burned into me, at least never fully.

I just see things as inherently weak. Like asking for help. Regardless of if I want to or not, regardless of how much I try to think it through... I just do. I tell myself survived for a long time not needing anyone to help me. I feel weak because I need that help now. I feel like I have weakened. I hate it. I hate feeling this sense of weakness. I hate feeling like I can't lean on anyone. Part of me likes not leaning on anyone- part of me is satisfied trying to last through everything alone.

But I don't really like it. I hate it. I hate feeling like I can't or shouldn't get help. If this is power I don't enjoy it.

Choose implies choice and I don't always feel like I have a choice. You're brought up a certain way and taught to believe and act in a certain way, and even when the door is open to change... it's not easy and sometimes not possible to just walk through it. Slow steps at first, I guess.

I don't know how to take those steps. I just have trouble shaking the powerful/weak ideal. Why can't I not need help? But it's human to seek help. I seek something that's not human sometimes.