I'm in an odd place. I have a short-term income opportunity that could turn into the basis for a business but there is still a lot up in the air. It is the strangest feeling. I am working on a project that requires me to work out of the office of a very large company. It has all the trappings that big companies offer. Very nice office, company cafeteria, a coffee room on every floor. I even have a cubicle. But I feel like I am in this bizarro world. I see all of the signs of stability in this setting but it feels like a mirage because my other reality is that we are considering bankruptcy. Talk about polar opposite realities. I don't quite know what to think.

This morning I went into the office, got my cubicle organized and went to the coffee room and grabbed a cup of green tea. I can't begin to tell you how good that cup of green tea tasted. It made feel like, "Ok, this is what it feels like to have stability". But the reality is that I don't. This is a short-term project that has the possibility to be extended but there are no guarantees. And it will eventually end, whether it's 4 weeks from now or 4 months from now; and then what? We are in heavy credit card debt and our mortgage is way underwater. We have stopped making our mortgage and credit card payments because we need to conserve cash.

I am also worried that my financial situation will hurt my ability to improve my financial situation. This morning they had me fill out an application they have all contractors fill out. It included giving them authorization to check our credit history. We are behind on only a couple of credit cards but it's scary that there is a possibility even if it is a remote one that they will fire me. As I write this, I know this is an exaggeration on my part. Our credit history at this point is somewhere between "not bad" and "good enough". A month from now might be a different story.

My big fear is people finding out about our difficult financial situation. I can't help but think, "what would these people think of me if they knew my wife and I are considering bankruptcy?" I also am negotiating with a former group of colleagues to restart a business I had to close down last year. We started the discussion about 7 weeks ago and all sorts of complications have popped up, and they're super unresponsive and, frankly, incompetent. It has been a very frustrating experience. Again, referring to my bizarro world existence, restarting the company would be my dream but doing so now could complicate a bankruptcy filing. So much up in the air and some days I don't know if I'm coming or going.

We also live in a nice home. So my mind sees this and says, "oh look at this nice home in this beautiful neighborhood - things must be good". Then I go to my computer and fill out a questionnaire for a bankruptcy attorney to tell us whether or not we qualify for Chapter 7. It all feels so complicated and uncertain. I try to take it one day at a time and am taking good care of myself - I workout almost everyday and am eating healthy. I also am blessed to have a great wife and make sure to let her know how much I love her every day. I am genuinely looking for divine inspiration and intervention to help me muddle through this mess.

I am so appreciative for PC. It is so helpful to be able to express and organize my thoughts and send them out into the world without fear of reprisal and knowing that I am communicating with a community of other caring folks who are doing their best to deal with life's challenges.

God bless you all!